I’m not dead. Zing!

I haven’t been on here in almost a year. So, if you’re still here, thank you, and I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a while.

After the disappearance of the man I thought was “the one,” I kind of had a complete breakdown. Who knew that someone I barely knew for two months would make me lose my mind and sense of self for six after he left? I’m crazy as balls.

After giving up on dating, I just decided to do things for myself. Traveled to Kentucky alone to visit Churchill Downs and Keeneland, took some horsemanship classes, started riding again, and, of course, hanging out at the racetrack every weekend. Not thinking about cancer at all. I tried to step away from that world for a long time because it got to be too much.

One weekend, early in December, I was hanging at the track, trying to cash in on the $10K in prizes they were giving away. I didn’t win any of that, but I did get something better.

Each time I went to bet in the Clubhouse that day, I saw this cute, little Puerto Rican guy. We kept grinning at each other vas quickly looking away like middle schoolers. Finally, he came up to me and introduced himself. Somehow, without trying, I landed myself another jockey.

He was supposed to be a one-night stand, an end to my six month dry spell, post-Foges. How could I take him seriously when we could barely talk to each other (his English was not that good when we met)?

But he never went away. He never stopped calling. He took me to church. He told his mother about me. He wanted to be my boyfriend. And so, I went with it. I bet on the longshot, as I am so wont to do.

Two weeks after we started dating, my period came back. The docs told me I was in menopause and that I probably would never conceive a child. It literally came on Christmas Eve. What a holiday surprise.

We have been together ever since that day in December at the track. We have traveled to all three Triple Crown races together. We traveled to Puerto Rico and I met his entire family. He has become my best friend and the love of my life, and this time, I know it’s for real.

The doctors said I would probably never get pregnant post-treatment. But last Friday, I discovered that I have been carrying our baby for three weeks. I guess we had too much fun in Puerto Rico!

My oncologist isn’t thrilled about this, considering I am so high risk for recurrence. But to me, this is nothing short of a miracle. I am incredibly happy and can’t wait for my ultrasound on Thursday.

Of course, I am terrified. I have no idea how to change a diaper or take care of a child and I don’t want my cancer to come back. But my decision is solid. We are going to be a family. And I refuse to let cancer take one more thing away from me. This is my new journey.

What the hell is going on?! Sorry to be so out there, but you know I keep it real here. Pretty sure the damn tamoxifen is causing lady problems for me. Wtf!! Can you please figure your shit out? No more of this Saharan desert crap, then Amazon river crap, then itchiness. Ps, I haven’t gotten laid in almost 6 months. I’m pretty sure I regrew my hymen at this point. Fun things to look forward to…breaking my maiden. See what I did there? Ahhhh, Foges, why’d you have to go and leave me in this damn predicament?! Lindsay out. More later.

I hate that I still love you.

Nice article they wrote about me! =D

Washington DC 3-Day 2013

Opening ceremony of the DC 3-Day!

Opening ceremony of the DC 3-Day!

The 3 Day

As many of you may know, I recently walked 60 miles for the Susan G Komen 3-Day in Washington, DC. I have to say that it was one of the most profound and moving experiences of my life. I’m sorry I haven’t had much time to post about things lately. I’m in school and working full time and volunteering AND working out as much as a person can do while still attempting to maintain a social life! Still utterly single and starting to be okay with it…even though I still pine like crazy over my last romance, but anywho…

The 3 Day! Wow…I think I cried almost all weekend long. I decided to sign up to do it when I heard that my guiding light through the course of my diagnosis and treatment had stopped treatment all together and probably wouldn’t make it to do the event this year. She passed away in April and I am so proud to have honored her life and legacy by continuing the 3 Day tradition in her memory.

I was a part of the Survivor’s Circle in the opening ceremony. I held the “Courage” flag and carried it all 20 miles of that very rainy first day. I started my walk alone, but met so many amazing people who became like family to me. Say what you will about Komen, but I am grateful for all of the incredible people I have net through them. I was adopted into a team and walked the remaining 40 miles with them over the next two days.

Saturday night, I had been invited to speak at the camp show, to tell my story of diagnosis and explain why I had decided to walk the 3 Day. I was so nervous and did my best to deliver my speech. I started crying as soon as I got to the part about Bridget, my inspiration and guiding light, whose life I made a promise to honor by walking. After that night, I kind of became a mini celebrity to the DC 3-Day. I was blown away by how many people came up to me to thank me or talk to me and hug me after my speech. Sunday morning, I came out of my tent and within 5 minutes, someone approached me, thanking me for sharing my story and describing how much it had touched them. I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet and I was crying.

Sunday was the biggest cry day for me. As we neared the last mile of the walk, the tears started rolling. We came up to the DC Armory and were cheered on by hundreds of friends, family members, and supporters. I lost it and sobbed pretty much from that point until the drive home after closing ceremonies.

There was nothing else like it that I have ever experienced. And despite the terrible rain, the cold, and the blisters, I have never felt so much love and support. My pink family means the world to me and I will always treasure these days I shared with them, while fondly looking forward to the next journey we take together.

Brb…crying again!!

Guess who ‘s back…

So, I’ve been on hiatus for a while. Life has been pretty crazy. I’ve been extremely depressed and trying very hard to get my life back in order. My heart was broken by someone I really thought I had a long term chance with, but by dating him, a new door has opened for me. I have rediscovered a love of horses and racing and I have never been happier in my life. I am still very lonely and single life sucks, but I know I will find someone someday. In the mean time, I will just keep kicking ass and loving the life I’ve been given as I try to heal. I will update you all a little better and answer messages as soon as I have a chance. Thank you so much for your continued support. It means the world to me.